pre AD's and post AD's

I have to add a thought on my previous entry. It looked so idealistic and positive. The idea of changing your thought patterns-it's really wonderful. I do believe in it. But the one little detail that I neglected to mention is that I have recently been aided by Fluoxetine. The generic drug for Prozac (20 mg.) Prozac has changed my life! I wish I could say that I've become more relaxed, less insecure and generally more happy just because I have been able to change how I think. However, I believe that Prozac has helped with enabling me to change how I think. Mother's little helper, yes? Nothing wrong with that.

I did fight against the idea for a long time. Not toward other people on them, mind you. Just against myself. I kept thinking that I should be able to figure this out on my own. What the hell is wrong with me anyway? WHY can't I be happier and more contented? I have so much in my life including a lot of love. These thoughts just made me feel worse because I couldn't figure it out. And doesn't it seem that a lot of people, mainly women, are medicated now? My feeling, and this is just a hunch, is that the more stuff we are able (and not necessarily need) to acquire in American society, the more we compare ourselves with others, the more we start feeling inadequate because we don't have the same new shiny _______(Toyota Sequoia, computer, IPOD, 4 bedroom, large basement, 2 car garage patio home, or fill in the blank with your own) as Sally does down the street. It seems it's become harder to be happier and notice the things we do have when there is so much more out there that's constantly flashed in front of our faces that will somehow fill not only our hearts but our souls. This, then, leads to depression and anxiety as well as insecurity. There are other factors, of course, as well. As I mentioned in the last post, I'm no artist, nor whale expert, and this time no scientist of any sort. But the nice thing about being 31 is that I now have a little experience to have some opinions on this sort of thing!

Pre anti-depressant, (or pre AD's) I tried a lot of other "natural" options for feeling better. I tried St. John's Wort, which seemed to just make me jittery. I stopped drinking caffeine, for the same reason plus not sleeping well. I took a jizzallion milligrams of omega 3 fatty acids/fish oil because they are supposed to help with depression. But all they helped with was having some extraordinary burps that I did not enjoy, as I don't even enjoy eating fish! I tried SAM-e, I'm not sure exactly what it is except expensive. It too, was supposed to aid depression. The only thing I noticed, and this was really weird, is that I started spotting. Needless to say, I stopped taking that. I also tried progesterone cream that I rubbed on my wrists and inner arms 2 weeks before my period started. The extra dose of hormone was supposed to help as hormones dip right before the cycle begins. I didn't notice a thing, good or bad. Just $20 every 2 months or so out of the checkbook. I used this for more than a year. I tried eating more protein, more dairy, less carbs, less sugar, then less protein, only milk, more carbs (more energy) and well, more sugar. I probably could have tried harder with the food front but gosh darnit, I love to eat. I know, who doesn't? But if one of the things that truly gives me pleasure is gone, well then, I don't see how that could help depression. I also tried more exercise which I think is the one thing that really does help. It was still inconsistent though. I turned 30 and felt worse. I had already gotten a bachelor's degree, lived and traveled in Europe, gotten married, had 2 kids, bought a house, and I was 30. What was left? I wasn't feeling suicidal, but I felt that life was starting to go downhill.

Finally, one of my good friends saved the day. She was in the same boat and even had a PhD in counseling and education. I felt we were good friends but depression was a topic that we hadn't touched. I was thinking that my PhD friend had it all. Married with 2 kids also (except that she didn't get pregnant before she got married, which is a whole other blog entry entirely.) So here I was comparing myself to her (as I figured one does in American society, right?) and she had accomplished more than I had. Then I discovered she felt the same way! It's incredible. I began to find that a lot of my friends were having similar thoughts and problems. And most of them are on some AD or anti-anxiety. Especially the ones who had kids. I went to see my PhD friend's doctor who was wonderful. She explained that after having kids (especially 2) hormones are never really the same. She said a lot of women get really depressed. I liked and trusted her immediately, so when she recommended Prozac, I said "put me on it, girlfriend."

What a difference it's made! Post Anti-depressants (from this point on: post AD's) I am happier, to say the least. I feel better about myself. I feel more motivated, in general. I feel like I am a better mom and wife. I don't obsess about how I feel, look, and sound all the freaking time. The house (believe it or not) doesn't have to be perfect. I don't feel eternally worried. I'm also not angry. I was feeling angry often at hubby, for reasons I couldn't always express. I feel like life is just starting now at age 31, instead of ending. I feel there is so much that I want to do and most of it are small things. And perhaps most importantly, I am not comparing myself to others, especially my friends (because that doesn't feel good.) I just feel more like myself. It's so much easier to be happy and thankful for the things I do have. I think I started worrying that because I had done so many major life changing events in my twenties, that there was nothing left to accomplish. But my kids are little, I'm young for crying out loud! I finally understand it. And I am just so thankful that there is something out there that has helped me.